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Trial and Error

 TAKE ONE

Getting diagnosed is one thing, getting medication, the RIGHT medication, is a whole other ball game. 

I remember my best friend telling me about her back and forth with medication until they found the right one for her. I kept thinking about her during my session with my Psychiatrist. All I could think about was if I would be lucky enough to get the right medication on our first try. Delusional or Optimistic? I don't know. 

I was prescribed a 25mg of medication A. To be taken once a day for a week and then 50mg for the next three weeks. I was told this would help me with my PTSD symptoms, my BPD symptoms and my anxiety, sounds like a big win to me. It was like a dream, I hadn't gotten an anxiety attack at all, in the entire month I had been taking medication A. But something else was changing, I was changing. 

Everybody knew me to be talkative, bubbly, optimistic and encouraging. If you asked me how my day was I could easily tell you, and I would enjoy speaking about my day. I would ask you about yours and enjoy hearing you speak about it. This changed within month 1. I don't know why, the only reason I could think of was the medication. I did not want to talk, or laugh, or watch a movie with my partner. I didn't want to cuddle, or kiss, or have sex. Most would think this was the depression but I didn't feel depressed. I felt okay, I felt fine, just not myself. If you asked me about my day I would say "fine" and go back into a silent slump of nothingness. 

This was not okay for me, at one point I honestly thought I would much rather deal with anxiety, depression, trauma and borderline symptoms than not feel like myself. I hated feeling like an imposter in the body of somebody that I once thought I knew, in the body of somebody that I was so excited to get to know since receiving my diagnosis. 


TAKE TWO

I had a follow up appointment with my Psychiatrist after a month on medication A. I knew I had to tell him I couldn't go on any longer with this medication. To my surprise, in this wonderful and modern day, my options were very limited. Why? because of my weight. I never thought being small framed would impact me this way. Being smaller had always been the one thing I felt I had control over (but that is a blog for another day) So out of the very few options I had, we chose one. It will help my depression but none of my other symptoms. Here we go for Medication B. 

Medication B, 25mg, once a day, in the evenings. Apparently I have been kicking in my sleep, as though I'm fighting something or someone. My dreams have been so vivid, more so than they ever have been. So far that is the only symptom I have experienced. I am nervous to see what else may develop, if anything does. I am scared that my anxiety will come back and I get attacks again. I know I should not fear the unknown, but it's kind of hard not to when it comes to mental health. 

PROGRESS

Although I have not been through a vast selection of medication and I have only known of my diagnosis for a short time, I think it is important to be gentle with yourself and remind yourself that no matter how far along you are in your journey, your feelings, concerns, fears, excitement, are all valid. There is no honorary badge to be earned. Your journey is yours, nobody else's. We have nothing to prove, mental health is not a competition. We all have our daily obstacles to overcome, you have yours and I have mine, neither is more turbulent than the other. 

Regardless of our struggles, our medication and our journeys, we need to be gentle with ourselves and remind ourselves that we are valid, we matter and every step, whether it feel like it is forward or backwards, is progress in our journey. 

#MoreThanMyMeds






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