Tropical Depression

 ONE SHOT, TWO SHOTS, THREE SHOTS ..... 

Who doesn't love a glass of wine with a friend or a cold beer on a hot day? A glass of red wine while cooking dinner on a Friday evening? A glass of champagne to celebrate a promotion or a birthday? I guess these are all pretty common events or occasions that would allow one to consume alcohol, no big deal. But what if that one glass of wine with a friend turns into 2 bottles, some cocktails and a couple shots in a dingy bar with random men hitting on you and then having to bribe some cops on the way home so that you don't get arrested for DUI? doesn't sound like your average, healthy, Wednesday afternoon, now does it? Now what if you wake up the next morning and you are surprisingly NOT hungover? but instead, you hate yourself, you feel guilt and shame, you look in the mirror and see a disappointment and feel completely and utterly lost within yourself? Even more toxic if you ask me. 

Well, that was me not very long ago. 

I was always a party animal, "the life of the party" if you will. I only started drinking a little when I was 17 and only started really clubbing when I was 18. I really wasn't one to sneak into clubs and get into trouble, that gave me too much anxiety. So I waited until I could legally do so and then I went absolutely BALLISTIC. I was known among my friends as the Tequila Queen, The mother of Tequila within our friend group, you could always count on me to share a shot with. I never said no. My friend group at the time was rather large which meant we were never without something to do or somewhere to be on a weekend. It really seemed so perfect, so fun and so full of laughs and love (and filled to the brim with alcohol) 

At the time it really was not an issue to me, I was young, was not experiencing any major anxiety or depressive symptoms and so my only worry was what to wear out and how to aid my hangover the next morning. 

FLOOR ... 

I did, however, have one big problem that I would only realize was a problem years later. I did not know when to say no or when to quit. If somebody offered me a drink, I would take it, no question in my mind. I did not care if I actually enjoyed that specific drink or not, I did not care how drunk I already was, I was drinking that drink, come hell or high water. 

At that time I was able to Uber everywhere and so, once again, my only concern was "oh damn, I better have plenty of water before I go to bed" 

But then, my life took a bit of a shift. I left my long-term partner and was venturing into single life for the first time in over 4 years. This meant a new friend group, a new home, a new me. Although the idea of becoming a new me sounded fantastic, it was not a positive change. I now had to drive myself around and this meant a lot more potential chances of getting arrested for driving under the influence. 

Solution for most: stop at drink 1 and go home or don't drink but chill with your friends, but for me, who couldn't say no, that just wasn't an option. So what I thought was a quirky trait: "I am just spontaneous and in the moment" became "I don't know how to say no" which soon lead to "I am afraid to say no because if I don't participate then I will lose all my friends" 

And so I kept saying yes and kept dodging danger almost every single evening. I would drink at least 5 days in a week and when I wasn't out drinking, I would hate myself. I had gotten to the point where being alone with myself was too much for me to handle and so I either needed companionship, or alcohol, or both. This meant that I never actually dealt with my problems, my relationship that had ended, my insecurities, my PTSD, my anxiety, depression, you name it. I was looking for an escape from my reality (which looking back, really was not all that bad) and I found it in alcohol and poor company. 

I am lucky enough to say that I found my way out of that, I stopped drinking almost every day of the week. My behaviors shifted, I was drinking less frequently, however, when I drank on the odd occasion I got absolutely WASTED. I didn't know when to stop, I still couldn't say no, not even to myself with a bottle of wine on the couch on a Saturday evening. No peer pressure, no pub, bar or party, just myself and a bottle ... and I HAD to finish it. 

I would wake up feeling fresh, no hangover. But something was off, If I wasn't hungover, why did I feel so horrible? I then realized that I felt depressed after I drank too much. More than 3 glasses and I would hate myself, I would feel as though I am back at the bar on Wednesday evening with my father calling me, begging me to come home, the girl who didn't know who she was, the girl who let people down. I became all the negative experiences and versions of myself and hated myself for it. I was absolutely and totally depressed. 

Thank God I realized this because that meant I now had a choice, and that was to either continue as I have been or to make a change. I wanted to make a change ... But I couldn't. Every time I was with friends, I would want to drink, and I did. I thought I was broken because if I want to change so badly why do I keep giving in. 

I realized that I was stubborn, I did not want to admit that alcohol takes control of me because I wanted to be the one in control and so I kept drinking to try and prove a point to myself, that I CAN enjoy alcohol in moderation..... This was not true, I definitely did not have control over alcohol. 

I decided that in order to attack my stubborn nature, I had to get a professional tell me to stop drinking. On the first day I saw my psychiatrist I spoke to him about it and to my relief, he told me I should quit drinking and so without hesitation, I did. Strange how our minds can work. My depression and anxiety started getting better and better. I am still getting better and better. 

I would be lying if I said that I didn't falter, Alcohol is a momentary escape that on a few occasions was just far too tempting to turn down. I am however drinking a lot less than I once used to and I love the person I am when I'm sober. You have to do what works for you, but if you have a negative or toxic escape, chances are it's best to let them go, or at least slowly work on letting them go one day at a time.